So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
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And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
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I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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