At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
