It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
