I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So many bounce houses so little time
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Randomize
