you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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