I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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