he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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