just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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