I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
