My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
