she was so not down for the gang bang
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
