My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
