I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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