why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
