You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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