I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
