I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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