Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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