she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
