Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
