Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
