when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
