u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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