She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
