My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
