I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
