I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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