She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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