Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
