I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
