y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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