....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I've blown a few things in my day
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize