someone threw a dead crab at me
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Two words: blizzard sex
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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