I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
