i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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