when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
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He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
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I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.