You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
