Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
