Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
