he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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