I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
