The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
