And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
