Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
