upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I enjoy the company of your penis
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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