Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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