Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
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