Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
