I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
