dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
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