I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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