I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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