I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
