Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
