so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
