if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
