You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
