I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
