Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
